


most disputes die and no one shoots

by deciphered



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: BillDip, Fluff, Human Bill Cipher, Humor, M/M, Older Dipper Pines, bill is chased with salt, im sorry, just click on the damn fic, that 'meet the parents' trope, you could say he's been 'assalted'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 04:33:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10712265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deciphered/pseuds/deciphered
Summary: Introducing the boyfriend to the parents--or, in this case, introducing the demon who tried to kill your family a decade earlier to your great uncles. Chaos ensues, Dipper looks into the camera like inThe Office, and Bill is a cross-dimensional, all-powerful dream demon who's more afraid of an old man with a bag of salt than literal, fire-breathing dragon who broke into Dipper's kitchen and set the dining room on fire.But they love each other, so it should be okay.Shouldbe.





	most disputes die and no one shoots

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'ten duel commandments' from hamilton
> 
> note: i have a tumblr now! im @ deciphere-d.tumblr.com send me an ask or something hmu

It’s a beautiful day today in Gravity Falls, Oregon. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the smoke detector is beeping, and there’s something banging on a closet door insistently with Bill situated nonchalantly against it.

There isn’t a single day that's gone by without Dipper wondering why the fuck he even tolerates Bill. 

“Oh, top of the morning to you, Pine Tree!” Bill chirps, pausing from his fiddling with the Rubix cube in his hands to beam at Dipper. “Did you get a good night’s sleep?”

Dipper sits up, rubbing his eyes in exasperation. “What did you do this time?”

“A dragon broke into the kitchen and set the television on fire so I shoved it into your closet to wait for you to decide what to do with it.” Bill smiles pleasantly, turning away from Dipper’s righteously perplexed expression to return to his Rubix cube. “Do you know how to solve this thing? I’ve been trying for the past hour,” he muses, as if there _isn’t_ a _dragon, locked in the closet_ , wreaking havoc on Dipper’s flannel collection _at that very moment._

Dipper is up now, shoving a chair under the smoke detector and climbing on top to reach for the ‘off’ button. Perhaps it isn’t a very rational decision considering he’s still groggy with sleep, but if he falls and breaks his arm he can just blame it on Bill. “And you didn’t think to turn the smoke detector off?” Silence falls upon the house again and Dipper slackens, yawning and climbing down from the chair. 

Bill shrugs, tossing the Rubix cube to the side. It falls with a clatter and lands under the couch, lost again for the next half-decade. “Didn’t know how. I’m surprised you could sleep through it.”

Dipper sighs again, eyeing the shuddering closet door where consistent thumps are sounding from, being held closed with only Bill’s weight. “...Get rid of it.”

Bill grins, a malicious glint appearing in his eyes. 

“ _Humanely,_ ” Dipper adds chidingly, and Bill deflates. 

He snaps his fingers anyways, though, and the thumping stops, releasing Bill from his spot against the closet. He stands up with his arms stretched over his head and various bones in his body give out a few sickeningly loud cracks. “Wow, what a _night!_ A shame you missed it!”

“ _‘Shame’_ ,” Dipper echoes derisively, lying back down in his bed and pulling the covers over his shoulders. “Don’t talk to me ‘til noon.”

Bill is silent for a minute after that, which Dipper takes as his compliance, settling further into his comforter and waiting for sleep to take him--until, that is, he feels a poke on his shoulder.

“Piiiiiine Treeee," Bill whines, dragging out the vowels childishly. "I want to _do_ something.”

Dipper’s eyebrow twitches. He doesn’t open his eyes. “Go find Mabel or Waddles.” 

“But I want to do it with _you._ ”

“You flatter me.”

Bill groans persistently, his form flopping on top of Dipper’s and eliciting a huff from the latter. “I don’t even care if it’s something painfully domestic, like making pancakes or listening to your dumb documentaries or travelling to a parallel dimension and causing a multitude of paradoxes. Pine Tree, _please._ ”

“Bill, I’m going to _exorcise_ you.”

Bill smirks. “You don’t even know how.”

“I’ll call Great Uncle Ford.”

Bill stiffens and promptly rolls off of the bed, hitting the floor with a muted thud he doesn’t bother to respond to. “No, no, no, he would _actually_ exorcise me. He would _kill_ me.”

Dipper snorts, Bill’s response to his threat apparently amusing enough for him to sit up and start paying attention to the demon. “You think?”

“ _Dipper_ , he wouldn’t even negotiate a peace ~~(hamilton reference)~~ , he would just kill me!” Bill’s eyes are wide, panicked, and Dipper can only raise an eyebrow dubiously.

“If you apologise, then there's no need for further action. ~~(u know it)~~ ” Dipper feels a smile tug at the corners of his lips. “Too bad for you, anyway, he’s coming over for dinner tonight anyways. Grunkle Stan, too.”

“Sixer _and_ the other one?!” Bill grabs Dipper’s shoulders and shakes them, on the verge of hysterics. “Pine Tree! Do you see what’s going to happen to me tonight?! I’m going to die. This is my last morning alive. I. Am going. To die.”

Dipper, mildly irritated, pries Bill’s fingers from his shoulders and swings his legs off the bed. “Then be a normal boyfriend for once. Shocking, huh?”

“Pine Tree!” Bill wails. “I’m ten hours from my demise and you’re not even _concerned!_ ”

Dipper wanders into his bathroom and picks up comb, running it through his hair in a feeble attempt to tame it. “It’ll be fine. Even if they don't care if you live or die, my own decision might sway them. Mabel, too.” 

“ _‘Might’_!” Bill reiterates emphatically. He scrambles up into a standing position, following Dipper. “Pine Tree, please! Think rationally here! Don’t you care about me?”

“Of course I care about you,” Dipper replies calmly, glancing disinterestedly at Bill’s reflection in the mirror--he softens. “But you really can’t avoid this forever. Go clean up. Make breakfast.”

Bill stares importunately at him in the mirror for a moment, hands on his hips. Then, he relents. “Only for you.”

Dipper smiles. “Thank you. I’ll talk to Ford.”

⨻

An afternoon of constant pestering and imploring looks directed at him from Bill later, Dipper picks up his phone and dials Ford’s number.

Bill is stationed behind the couch, leaning over Dipper’s shoulder and listening to the conversation silently--so silent that Dipper isn’t even sure he’s breathing. Does Bill need oxygen? He ponders the answer for a few moments until the sound of someone picking up the line sounds and he’s jolted back into the reality of the situation. 

Ford’s familiar voice sounds, relaxing Dipper but only making Bill stiffen. “Stanford Pines, hello.” 

“Hey, Grunkle Ford. You’re coming over for dinner later, right?” Dipper’s voice is practised, steady and the hands Bill has on his shoulders tighten. 

“Dipper? Oh, yes, I am.” The response is just as easy. 

Dipper hesitates this time, the slightest hint of uncertainty lacing his words. “Alright. I should probably let you know that I’m… dating someone at the moment, and I’d like it if you came unarmed.” 

“Dating--you have a date?” Ford laughs and Bill shoots Dipper a nervous look. “Who is he? Why on _earth_ would I arrive armed?” 

Dipper returns the look with a flat one. “Oh, just a precau--hold on, did you say ‘ _he_ ’?” 

Bill snickers. “No, sorry, I just assumed--nevermind. I slipped.” Ford exhales. “Who are you dating? Do I know _them_?” 

He chooses his next words carefully. “Uh, yes, you used to be… close. His name is--yeah, don’t bring anything that… you can… kill anybody with." 

“Dipper, anything can be used as a weapon if you try hard enough. So it _is_ a ‘he’? How did you meet? How old is he? Are you being safe and--” 

The hand on Dipper’s shoulder squeezes so hard he’s afraid it might be cutting off a lot of circulation. “Stop! Uh--I’ll tell you everything at the dinner, and if I tell you who it is right now will you please not bring anything sharp, or hot, or cursed--” 

“Yes, yes! Who is it? Just tell me, Dipper, it can’t be that bad!” 

“... I beg to differ,” Bill interjects quietly. 

Dipper glares at him. “Shh.” 

“What?” 

“Nothing! Okay, uh, his name… you used to be friends.” Bill raises an eyebrow at that, and Dipper continues, taking note of the silent query. “Some sort of twisted manipulation involved, but friends.” 

“I’m getting nervous,” Ford chuckles. ~~(sorry yeah 'aaron burr sir' i have no excuse)~~

“It rhymes with… it starts with a ‘b’ and ends with--yeah, no, his name is Bill.” 

Bill’s breath hitches in his throat and he takes the hand off of his shoulder to smack the back of his head lightly, giving him a desperate glare. Dipper counters the glare with his own. 

A long lull, the soft background noises coming from the other end the only thing ensuring that the call is still ongoing. Then; “Dipper. You don’t mean--” 

“Yes.” 

More silence. 

“Great Uncle Ford?” 

Bill is gripping the back of the couch so tightly his knuckles have gone white. Maybe he’s stopped breathing again. He certainly isn’t blinking. 

Dipper swallows. “Are you there?” 

“ _Shit_ ,” Bill curses. 

Dipper exchanges a concerned glance with Bill, who really looks more terrified than worried. “Please don’t speed here. Or bring a shotgun.” 

The line goes dead. Dipper sets the phone down. 

“Well, Bill, good news and bad news.” 

“Good news,” Bill whispers hoarsely. 

“My family is open to me having different sexualities.” 

Bill clears his throat. “Gender is a social construct. Continue.” 

Dipper inhales. “... I’m sorry if you end up in critical condition by the end of tonight.” 

⨻

Bill has locked himself inside of a closet and actually _hissed_ at Dipper when he tried to urge him out, so Dipper sets the table and calls Mabel over as damage control--she knows about Bill and stopped freaking out a few weeks later (only after she had witnessed Bill completely enamored with the concept of origami and folded forty paper cranes and triangles and hung them up all over the house, but stopped freaking out nonetheless). 

She arrives with a bottle of wine and a fake moustache for Bill to wear as a ‘disguise’ but once Dipper explains that Ford is already aware of the identity of his boyfriend, her excitement is subdued and she sticks it on herself instead and takes the wine and two glasses into the closet with Bill, locking the door behind her. 

Twenty minutes of muffled discussion and occasional loud screeching or maniacal laughter later, Bill and Mabel reemerge from the closet and sit down at the table to arrange a ‘plan of action’, as Dipper is told. 

Mabel pours Dipper a glass of wine and hands it to him, looking serious despite the fake moustache that is now located on her eyebrows. “Mason ‘Dipper’ Pines, I have been appointed as you and Mister Cipher’s defensive lawyer. What seems to be the problem today?” 

“You two have the mentality of five-year-olds,” he deadpans, taking the wine and standing up. “Grunkle Ford is going to arrive sometime in the next five minutes and we don’t know how they’re going to react. I doubt we can do much other than explain.” 

Bill has been silent thus far, but he speaks up now; “This form is immortal so I’m not going to die if he shoots, but Sixer knows better. He knows my weaknesses.” Bill looks a lot calmer than before talking about this, swirling the glass of wine in one hand and taking a sip. “He’s going to ring the doorbell in around three minutes--which I know because I’m omniscient--and I’m going to--” 

The doorbell rings and Dipper looks at Bill pointedly. “Three minutes, you said?" 

Bill slams the glass on the table and stands up. “A miscalculation! Quick, pretend we aren’t home!” 

Bill dives under the table and Mabel salutes Dipper solemnly, promptly sliding off her own chair and following Bill down. 

“Useless fucks,” Dipper mutters, walking over to the door and pulling it open. “Grunkle Ford, I--”

Two hands grab his face and pull him uncomfortable close to Ford’s. They lock gazes for five, ten seconds, and then Dipper is released, rubbing his cheek agitatedly as Ford mutters to himself. 

Dipper stares at him, perplexed and more or less blatantly insulted. “What was that for?!” 

“If you’ve been possessed by Bill, you’re sure doing a good job at looking and sounding like Dipper. Unless he’s paying you to do this. What did you do? Did you make a deal? What did he offer?” 

Dipper resists the urge to facepalm ~~(a.n; if this was the office dipper would look into the camera right now)~~. “Oh, my god. Si--” 

“Sixer! You were about to call me Sixer! Bill, get out of my grand-nephew's body.”

“I was going to tell you to sit down! I’m going to explain! Mabel knows, and Bill is here, and he actually saved me from an actual fire-breathing dragon this morning, so, you know, I’m alive!” 

Ford opens his mouth to retaliate but, to Dipper’s disconcertion, all he does is walk over to the couch and sit down. 

Dipper whips around to see a panicked Bill, extinguishing the blue flame in the palm of his hand on a ceramic plate. “Bill?!” 

Bill raises his hands in a surrender. “All I did was make him sit down! See, now you can talk to him!” 

Ford only stares at Dipper, eyes wide in alarm. 

Dipper places his hands on his hips, looking back up at Bill. “What else did you do?” 

“Okay, so I may have shut him up, but it’s reversible. Anyways, talk before he makes any rash decisions! Easy!” 

Dipper lets himself facepalm, his hand smacking his forehead loudly. Ford winces and Mabel peers out from beneath the tablecloth, still speechless. Rubbing his temple and taking a seat on the coffee table, he begins; “Okay, Grunkle Ford, last year I went out in the forest to fill something in the journal that I thought I missed, and I ended up getting lost. And attacked. Bill saved me.” 

Ford looks like he wants to say something but his lips remain sealed, eliciting a snicker from Bill, who’s teleported from the kitchen table to the couch at some point. Dipper glares at him and his expression turns placid immediately. “To answer your question, no, I did not fall in love at first sight, I tried to kill him and he laughed at me and only went away when I threatened to shove him into a vat of peanut butter and hot glue. He’s scared of peanut butter.” 

“Excuse me, Pine Tree! Did I give you permission to say that--” 

“Anyways, Bill is annoying! Long story short, you get used to how annoying it is eventually and it might even get a bit endearing after a while!” Dipper pauses to glare at Bill’s smug grin. “And then he turned human somehow and now he lives here, for some reason. Trust me, I don’t like it either.”

“Aww, you _love_ me,” Bill coos, leaning off the couch to rest his head on Dipper’s knee. Ford winces when Dipper runs his fingers through Bill’s hair fondly, which Dipper doesn’t notice. 

Mabel marches over to where the three of them have relocated and holds out her hand. “Grunkle Ford, hand over any and all weapons in your possession! Anything you say can and will be used against you!” 

Dipper frowns. “Let him talk first, at least.”

Bill huffs and snaps his fingers, releasing Ford from his containment.

To their surprise, all he does is smile calmly. “I don’t have any weapons. I’m happy for you, really! In fact, I have a gift!” 

Dipper blinks at Bill, who looks equally dumbfounded. “Are you doing this?” Bill shrugs and shakes his head.

Ford retrieves a bag of something from the inside of his coat, still smiling. At the sight of it, Bill freezes in horror, eyes wide. Dipper and Mabel exchange a glance. 

Mabel raises her eyebrows. “Please don’t tell me that’s cocaine.”

Ford shakes the bag, grinning. “It’s salt! Purified salt!”

Bill raises his hands and stands up slowly, smiling nervously. “Fordsie, come on! Do you really think Pine Tree would be happy if you decided to burn me alive?”

Ford laughs shortly. “Nope!”

And with that, Bill turns and sprints, Ford following immediately after.

“Is it bad to say that I wish it was cocaine if this is what happens when it’s not?” Mabel comments.

“Bill! What happens if--if the salt--”

As soon as Bill starts shrieking, Dipper and Mabel are up and running into the room the other two had vanished in.

Bill is climbing up a bookshelf and Ford is poised beneath him with a handful of the salt raised.

“Sixer! Please! I’ll do anything!”

“Let go of Dipper’s mind! Last chance to negotiate! ~~(another hamilton ref)~~ ”

“I’m not controlling him! I’m in love with him!”

“You’re _what--?!_ ”

“Stop!”

Ford and Bill divert their attention to Dipper, frozen in place. 

Dipper crosses his arms, flushed at Bill’s sudden proclamation and irritated at their bickering. “Thank you. Would you please calm down? Bill’s had over ten months to ruin our lives and all he’s really done is disturb my sleep cycle and burn pasta so, Ford, you can put down the salt. Bill, get off of the bookshelf.

Bill hops down from the shelf, dusting his hands off and sneering at Ford. Ford flicks a grain of salt at him in reply and he flinches and takes a step away.

Dipper steps in between them and shoves them apart. “Now that we’re all calm and rational, we can deal with the situation like adults. _Right?_ ”

Bill huffs and Ford crosses his arms. Mabel hops up onto the counter, swinging her legs back and forth, watching the situation play out in front of her.

“Ford and Mabel, go in the kitchen. I’m going to talk to Bill.” 

And as soon as they’re gone, Bill relaxes against the wall and crosses his arms expectantly. “Well?”

Dipper turns around and stares at him. “Did you mean that?”

Bill grins and he knows and Dipper knows he knows, the asshole. “Mean what?”

“That you…” Dipper trails off, cheeks heating up. “You know.” 

Bill probably considers dragging out the act like the dick he is, but decides against it, wrapping an arm around Dipper’s waist and pulling him close, “Oh, Pine Tree. I couldn’t have meant it more.”

“Okay. Um.” Dipper smiles warily, smoothing out invisible wrinkles in Bill’s shirt. “I love you, too.”

“I know that already,” Bill snorts quietly, “I’m omniscient.”

“No, you’re not--” Dipper starts, but by the time he’s done that Bill’s captured his lips in another kiss that’s so soft and sweet he wouldn’t be surprised if Bill’s goal was to melt all of his insides until he’s all air and nothing else, and honestly--he wouldn’t even mind.

They do separate eventually, but Bill insists on leaving his arm clinging around Dipper’s waist while they re-enter the dining room--where Grunkle Stan is standing, staring at the bag of salt on the counter, the emptied bottle of wine, and the public display of affection involving his grand-nephew and the demon they should have killed ten years ago as a human.

“Do I want to know?” He asks. 

“No,” the four of them respond simultaneously. 

**Author's Note:**

> okay listen fuckers,, have i goT A STORY FOR YOU (im on the verge of tears as i type this)
> 
> so BASICALLY i had finished this at about 3 or 4pm yesterday afternoon!! i was takin a break from my relentless labour on my other fic and i was like ok cool lets post it!! 
> 
> so i went ctrl+a/select all and went to copy it n paste it into the ao3 work box. BUT MY STUpiD UNCOORDINATED FINGERS WENT CTRL+V AND PASTED WHATEVER WAS ON MY CLIPBOARD BEFORE INTO MY DOC AND GOOGLE DOCS SAVES AUTOMATICALLY AND I COULDN'T UNDO ANYTHING FOR SOME REASON SO BAM!! MY HARD WORK!!!!! GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> okay and LISTEN i know you're gonna tell me 'ohh just go to revision history' but listen!!! listen to me fucker!! i dID THAT AND IT ONLY RECOVERED 600 OF MY HARD EARNED 2K AND _LIsTEN TO ME FuCKER_ i swear it took YEARS off of my life i was ready to oFF MYSELF
> 
> I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS GODFORSAKEN FIC JESUS CHRIST I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WINDING DOWN BUT INSTEAD,,, I GOT THIS HELL?? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVe thi S 
> 
> this was ALL FOR YOU,, ALL OF IT YOU FUCKERS /voice cracks I HOPe you' r E HAP P Y
> 
> (anyways if u couldnt tell im hamilton trash and this might be lowkey ooc i dunno im tired this was entirely self-indulgent and i got carried away i'll update my other fic very soon don't worry)


End file.
